Please Take My Baby to the Party

The business of finding your film’s way into the world is a little like trolling for a lover. It’s like looking for someone who will nurture your offspring and properly introduce it to a movie-loving audience.

Hey, there Festival Programmer, take a look at my beauty, EASY MADE HARD. It’s strong, it’s filled with grit, twists and interesting images. Won’t you invite it in?

I’ve done all the matchmaker stuff. I’ve targeted the best lovers that I think will treat the tender newbie with care. Top festivals throughout the world head my list. I’ve carefully filled out applications, written checks or made credit card charges to pay for entry, tucked DVD’s snugly into bubble envelopes, sealed, stamped and sent. Deadlines met.

So, the waiting begins. Will my baby attract an admirer? Will this upstart born of tremendous effort and dedication of cast and crew find a cavalier to escort it to the party?

I trudge into the post office. Tony, the best damn post office clerk on the face of the planet cocks his head. “Heard from anyone yet?”  He presses a metered $1.56 stamp on to another bubble envelope carrying my next submission.

I shake my head. “No. Not yet.”

I know there are thousands of filmmakers wearing their hearts on their sleeves hoping their babies will attract a lover. Sundance has over 9000 submissions and they accept 200. A good percentage of these are short films. The odds aren’t quite that bad for other festivals, but it’s an up hill push. We missed the Sundance deadline as we were still in post.

I peruse the Sundance site lamenting the fact that my baby wasn’t mature enough to go to that party. I click on the videos displayed. “Move over,” I fell like saying. “Make room for my film.”

And then, like magic, I am standing in front of the Mary G. Steiner Egyptian Theatre on Main Street in Park City. Behind me glows the marquee. It reads: EASY MADE HARD. Robert Redford steps up, puts his arm around my shoulder and presents me with a statuette for Best Short Film. See my face. Can you see it? See my ear-to-ear smile. Look at my eyes, bright and filled with tears. I am so happy. So proud. “Thank you, Mr. Redford. And I want to thank my parents for having me, my friends for putting up with–

Wait!  What’s this?

I’m having a delusion?

My computer crashes, but seconds before the screen goes dark, it snickers and these words burn on its face: YOU ARE A LOON! GO TAKE A COLD SHOWER!

I reboot my machine.

The sound of the Microsoft boot up music and it’s back. And I’m back.

“Next year, ” I whisper to my Inspiron 1545. “Next year I’ll find a lover to take my baby to the Sundance party.”

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